Trust Betrayed
© 2008, Steph Gutmann
Most people growing up in the Church have mixed views of what the Church is to represent in today’s society. But most are in agreement that the Church ultimately is a place of safety and refuge for hurt, lost and broken people. Ooccasionally, this understanding can be abused or become distorted in one way or another. But there are always lessons to be learned from our experiences and encounters: None more so than the saving grace of God’s love and forgiveness.
Sixteen year old Katie was heavily involved in her church choir and was often found at rehearsals or on tour with them. She began to date a young man in her youth group and started to hang out with a new group of friends. An older member of the group who was actually one of the Youth Leaders regularly offered to take Katie home and she thought she could trust him.
But Katie soon realized he had a hidden agenda: “After a while, he would say things to me in the car which would make me feel uncomfortable. Things like: “I really like you” and “When you come-of-age I’d like to marry you” ”
He also made calls to her home. At first Katie thought he was calling to speak to her brother as they were friends, but he made it clear who he was really interested in speaking with. Even when she hung-up on him, he persisted in calling and threatening her: “He would say to me things like, “Don’t hang up, or I’ll tell your dad you are being promiscuous” I didn’t really know what it meant, but I knew it was bad. My dad was very strict so I thought if he did tell him, my dad would believe him because he was one of the leaders.”
At seventeen, Katie went overseas to study, and received respite from the stalking for a while. During that time, the Youth Leader met and married a lady his own age and so Katie thought her ordeal was now over.
Katie was forced to return to the UK just before she turned 19 due to ill health. As you can imagine, time in the USA had given Katie the chance to grow up, so upon her return she had become a `bit of a babe’ which meant everyone noticed her homecoming - including the old Youth Leader.
Three months later, Katie fell ill and was hospitalized. She received a huge bouquet of roses with the words “I wish, I wish, I wish…” written on the card. Katie explains: “My old Youth Leader intensified his advances toward me, even though he was married. He would call me and say things like: “I wish I had married you, I wish I had never married her…” But I liked his new wife, so this was now even worse for me because if word came out about what was happening, I would be responsible for ruining a marriage! The weight of this was horrendous and impossible to bear.”
When Katie was released from hospital, she would notice him following her frequently. On one such occasion, Katie remembers going to the toilet during the service: “I hadn’t realized he’d left his seat too; when I came out of the ladies, he was there - he grabbed me and dragged me into a back room… I can’t tell you how petrified I was - I was scared that he was going to physically assault me! He was in my face saying to me “Why don’t you like me? Come on, let me just hold you.” I was shaking and told him I was going to scream, he told me: “If you scream, everyone will think you’re a tart who lured me in here. Just let me hold you, I dream of you every night and when I make love to my wife, I see your face” Oh, my God… I felt sick… physically sick.”
Katie hated being around him, she hated coming to the church she had once loved, but more incredibly Katie began to hate herself. She began to blame herself for the undue attention she was receiving from this man - losing all confidence in herself.
She felt as though she had to punish herself: “I started to starve myself… I began to blame myself that I was the one causing this undue attention, so thought if I starved myself - I would be punishing myself because I must be so bad. When you‘re a victim, you feel like YOU‘RE the one who has done something wrong. You think you must be doing something to invite the abuse, but you don‘t know what and somehow you have to work out how to stop it.”
One of the first people to notice Katie’s sudden weight loss and depressed demeanor was this man’s wife. But this was the last person Katie wanted to speak to. “I couldn’t say to her “Your husband is stalking and molesting me.” How could I say that!”
It was around this time Katie met Charlie* her now-husband, who was dating someone else at the time. One day in the car on their way home from a social event, Charlie’s girlfriend challenged Katie and asked what was going on. So, she told them what she'd been dealing with and for the first time in two years, felt a real release speaking about what she’d endured since she was sixteen years old! Charlie urged her to tell someone so Katie agreed to speak to her sister.
“My sister had known something was wrong with me as I was losing a lot of weight and my character changed: I was not my usual vivacious, out-spoken self and had been hiding a lot… we used to be close, but because I thought I couldn’t speak to anyone, I stopped talking to her. My sister wanted me to tell our parents, but I thought as long as she knew I would be ok.”
By this time Katie’s doctors were concerned for her life because of the rapid weight loss. They referred her to a specialist who explained to her parents that Katie was dangerously underweight at six and a half stone. They recommended further hospitalization if she didn’t start eating soon or they would consider force-feeding.
Around the same time, Katie’s older brother, had spoken with their parents. He realized she needed help and was in danger of killing herself when he saw her coming out of the bathroom one morning after her shower - he could clearly see her collar bone protrude through her skin.
Katie herself couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. “All these people were making a fuss about me which was bizarre – I was screaming out for help, but couldn’t tell anyone what was really going on… living out the motions of life: alone - walking this road of hell that others are oblivious to. Only I knew what I was going through - the molestation, the sexual advances, the stalking, the threats - but I couldn‘t tell anybody”
Katie’s dad decided the best way to help his daughter was to take her away to his parents - in Jamaica. For Katie this was devastating news! Charlie had separated from his girlfriend and now they were beginning to show an interest in one another! When they reaches Jamaica, her dad threatened to take her passport away if she didn’t start to gain weight, so Katie did what she could to gain weight.
But in order to maintain some control over her life still, Katie took the drastic step of cutting off all her hair - her best feature! “I still felt I needed to punish myself, and thought if I cut it all off, I would be ugly, and the guy would stop hassling me!”
By the time Katie returned to England, her old Youth Leader still continued to hassle her, and Katie now reached the point where she’d had enough! So with the support of Charlie, she spoke to her parents. “When I told my dad, he went ballistic! But I still wanted to keep things hidden and pleaded with him not to confront the guy.
“But eventually, my dad had to confront him. When he did, we understood he had done similar things to other girls in the church… I was just one of many victims. Looking back, I wish I had told someone sooner and not lived in the fear of people disbelieving me!”
Katie began re-building her life. “I gained weight properly, and re-discovered my self-esteem… Charlie would affirm me which helped me believe I was worth something. I was blessed to have family who loved me unconditionally: they believed me, supported and encouraged me. Plus I was able to reach a place where I knew God’s church is a place of safety - in spite of what had happened.
The Leader responsible has since apologized to Katie, Charlie and her family. She’d already reached the place within herself where she was able to forgive him: “I didn’t want the hate to eat away at me and leave me in a prison because of what he had done, so I decided to forgive him. I took back the authority he‘d stolen from me in order to move on with my life.”
