"I'm Fine - Really!"

© 2009, Steph Gutmann 

 

The most popular answer in Churches today to the question: "How are you?" Is really a mask... A glossy cover we like to wear and hide behind: "I'm fine"  we respond in a bright and chirpy voice using a big, plastic smile to cover the tracks of tears threatening to reveal themselves at any moment!

Inside we may be thinking: "If only people knew the week I have really had" or: "You're not really interested, you're just being polite, so I will be polite back!" or even: "I can't even begin to tell you because I wouldn't be able to stop myself and we would both be depressed!"

The word "fine", I have come to realise, is actually an acronym for: "Feeling Insecure, Negative or Emotional". I have come to realise this because as a frequent user of it one-too-many times, the Holy Spirit pulled me up on my use of it! The outward conversation I was having with someone was the normal, run-of-the-mill polite conversation we've all encountered on many occasion... but in my spirit, I was having a different conversation altogether. It went something like this:

Me to external person: "Yes, I am fine, thank you"

Holy Spirit to me: Steph - you are lying, you're not fine, You having one of your insecure and emotional moments.

Me to Holy Spirit: Yes, but Lord I can hardly say that now can.

Holy Spirit: Why not?

Me: Because the other person doesn't need to know what's really going on inside me.

Holy Spirit: I may have given them the answers you need to hear.

Me: Oh!

Holy Spirit: Many people use "Fine", but Steph, do you know what it really means?

Me: it means "I'm doing ok!!"

Holy Spirit: It means: "I'm not really ok, I'm feeling insecure, negative or emotional - take your pick!"

F - Feeling

I - Insecure

N - Negative or

E - Emotional 

 

I spent the rest of the afternoon pondering on what I was actually feeling on the three or four occasions I was asked "How are you?" and realised how true it was - for me anyway - that whenever I used the word "Fine" I really wasn't fine, and was feeling insecure, negative (about myself, about my situation, about people...) or emotional.

I have since realised how often people use it with me when I ask them how they are doing, so I know that what they are saying is not matching up with how they are feeling.

Sometimes it is easier for us to hide our real feelings than to expose ourselves because we don't like to make ourselves vulnerable, but the Bible clearly tells us in 1 Corinthians 12:26 "if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honoured, all the members rejoice with it."

Whether we vocalize our negative, insecure, emotional moments or not, people are still affected by our countenance. Our facial expression changes. Our demeanour changes. Our vocal tone changes. The type of speech we use changes. Our body language changes. All of these have an affect on the people we are with. All of these affect the way we interact with our friends and our family. All of these mean that "all the members are sharing" in our moment of suffering.

God did not intend for us to be alone. It is not His desire that we should suffer in silence, or be a martyr and not speak of what we are dealing with. In His very nature God: The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit represents unity, togetherness and social community. God created us to live in unity with each other - which is hard to do when someone is hiding something! Have you ever had to carry a burden - a secret - that you CANNOT share with anyone else. Have you noticed how isolated it makes YOU feel? Have you noticed how separated it make those around you feel from you?

God did not design us to be alone. He Himself said "It is not good for man to be alone." I don't believe God only intended that statement to mean in terms of the marriage relationship. But rather generally - it is not good for us to be alone.

The other thing to consider is that by our silence, we are inevitably prolonging our own suffering. By holding back on sharing how we really feel, we hold back on allowing the other person to minister to us,bring a word of encouragement or to pray for us. It is not a shameful thing to admit we sometimes encounter a time of needing the help of someone else!

If Moses can use the help of Aaron and Hur to physically give him strength for the sake of the army of the children of Israel; If Elijah can be lead to the home of a humble widow to find comfort and rest; If Jesus can ask His three closest disciples to stay awake and pray for Him, then how can we expect to be able to stand alone?

This doesn't mean we go around telling everybody everything about what we are really feeling or what we are going through - it is important to exercise wisdom in who we are sharing with.

So, next time someone asks you "How are you" consider the reality of your answer. And for anyone reading this, next time you respond "I'm fine - really!" I will ask you: "So, which letter?"

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