Small Light of Comfort

I received a random phone call one night in January, just after my 17th birthday, from a withheld number. It turned out to be a guy called "Daniel" who claimed to have met me in a club the night before – but I had not gone out the night before! He claimed I had given him my number and said he was interested in getting to know me. I was quite chuffed because he was 5 years older than me. He asked if I wanted to go out for a film; I wasn’t sure about him at first, so I checked with a mutual friend; it later transpired she had given him my number and encouraged me to go out with him.

So I went out with him a few times, but there was nothing really in it on my part.

Another friend of mine - Harriet - starting seeing one of his mates, at the same time she was seeing Shane, an ex-boyfriend. One Sunday, Shane had booked a hotel and asked Harriet to meet him for a night out in London, then stay overnight so didn’t have to catch a bus home. I said I would go with them so she wouldn’t be alone with him in the clubs, but I didn’t stay at the hotel.

At the end of the night, I arranged for Daniel to come and pick me up. When he arrived, he had three guys in the car with him – one was the guy Harriet had been with, the others I didn’t know.

Daniel said he had to drop off one of the guys, then he and I would go out; I agreed that would be cool. Anyway, we got to this guy’s house when Daniel then said we just had to go in for a minute to pick something up, so I said "Yeah, cool, no problem" and followed the three guys into the house.

We were all chilling in the front room at first; suddenly Daniel’s three mates walked out, leaving me and Daniel alone. We were watching a film, so he turned the lights off. One thing led to another till we were just lying on the sofa together.

Before I knew it, his friends had come back into the room and one of them started to put his hands in places he shouldn’t have. Clinging onto Daniel, I said "Err... what’s going on?" He responded "It’s alright babes, we’re all friends here." But I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening.

That was the beginning of what would become the most tormented moment of my life. For the next hour, one after another, Daniel and his friends gang-raped me.

The room was in complete darkness whilst I was being raped, except for the light of my mobile. I kept switching on because I found small comfort in the light. At one point I managed to send a text to Harriet saying "Help I’m being raped!" but didn’t hear from her.

After all the guys had finished doing what they were doing, I put my clothes back on; it didn’t really sink in what had just happened to me.

Daniel said to me, "As a favour, I’ll drop you to the Station". So me, him and one of the others got in the car. I was really quiet and he asked me what was wrong, I told him "nothing". He dropped me off at Stratford Station but I had just missed the train and had to wait half an hour for the next train – completely alone.

Suddenly the emotion of being gang-raped hit me, I ran to the ladies and broke down right there.

Finally, my train came in. I can still see myself sitting on the train staring out of the window, because it was dark, all I could see was the reflection of myself in the blackness of the window.

I had earier lied to my mum, about where I was going, so when I arrived home at 2am, I went straight to my room and lay on my bed. I didn’t even have a shower or anything because I didn’t want to wake anyone up. I lay there thinking over and over "Oh my God, what just happened?"

The next morning, I was quiet getting ready for school. When I got into class and met up with my group of friends, we were discussing what we’d been up to over the weekend; but I couldn’t contain it any more, I fell down the wall and collapsed in a heap on the floor, in tears.

They knew instantly I had been raped and took me straight to the Police Station. I had to call my mum and explain to her that I’d lied about where I had been the night before; and that I had been raped, I needed her with me at the Police Station.

The Police urged me to take it further, but the Officer dealing with my case warned that as I had been seeing Daniel and he’d been to my house before the incident, the guys involved may try to argue it was part of the relationship if it ever went to court. I didn’t want to put my family through that, so I just went home without pressing charges.

When I got home I just sat in a bath of anti-bacterial disinfectant and even though I was 17, sobbed whilst my mum washed me like I was three years old again. Then I eventually fell asleep.

At one point I remember waking up with my younger sister stroking my forehead and wiping the tears from my face.

But neither my mum nor I really knew how to deal with the rape, so we brushed it under the carpet.

I became a Christian in February 2007, when my now-fiancé started going back to Church and asked me to go with him. I agreed because I had come to a place where I needed to find out if God was real. The first sermon I ever heard was on forgiveness and how if we don’t forgive someone who has wronged us, we are bound to them forever, which makes it difficult for us to move and fulfil the destiny God has for us. I knew God was speaking to me as I sat sobbing in the service and gave my life to Jesus.

With God’s help, I’ve been able to whole-heartedly forgive the guys involved with raping me. When I look back now, I praise God that I survived my ordeal: some girls are killed, while others fall into deep depression. But I wasn’t prepared to let it beat me – even before knowing Christ.

I wanted to turn it around to support others through similar experiences. I believe God will use my testimony to empower others, to understand how precious we are as women, and how precious sex is in the right context.

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